Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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