I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize