Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
