Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
