Im at strip club and am horny
im having a threesome with these popsicles
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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