Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
