Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
