Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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