you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
