Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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