I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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