Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Another day, another engagement, another cat
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
