The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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