i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
