New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
