I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We talked him into tasing himself.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
