my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize