just tell him i said nine months
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
