Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
