tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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