Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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