hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
