Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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