the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Randomize
