I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Enjoy the penises
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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