I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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