I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
