my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
