i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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