Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
