is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
