I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Hippo gnu deer
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
