6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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