I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
