I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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