How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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