and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
not ubering you a puppy
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
