I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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