You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize