Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
