Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize