corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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