If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
