when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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