i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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