I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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