I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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