i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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