I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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