I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize