Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I need to stop coming to work sober
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
