Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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