i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
