I am in a vortex of obligation.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
