My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
