people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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