Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
