Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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