i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
