I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
