I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
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